Lessons For a Step-Mom

This is a very personal post for me.  Maybe one of the most personal I'll ever share, as being a step-parent is at times, one of the most difficult things.

I received some valuable lessons this morning, as I had another needed healing session for myself.  I have been having a particularly challenging time being a step mom of a teenager recently.  It finally came to a point where I know something has to change, and we can't go on this way any longer.  I have a few disciplining ideas that I think will help that relationship, as well as the relationships with all of my other children, BUT I think the lesson I received this morning will be even more valuable.  I share it so that I remember to treat it with importance, and also in hopes that it may help some other step parent out in the world somewhere.

At the beginning of my marriage, my cute little step child had a hard time dealing with sharing his Dad.  His parents had always been divorced in his memory, and whenever he was with his Dad, it was HIS special time (with a few exceptions.)  Naturally, when I came into the picture, this little five year old was trying to find his place and always wanted to cuddle with his Dad, and sit by his Dad, etc.  If you have ever been a newlywed, you probably remember, you're sort of glued to each other, and you want to stay that way.  I think from those early days some minor, sub-conscious, jealousy started to form in both of us.  We both wanted Dad's love and attention exclusively.

I think that's enough background.  That was almost 10 years ago.  Some experiences have fueled that jealousy continuing on, while others have made it dissolve again, at least a little.  Still at times I have felt like (through no fault of theirs) it was me against them.....that I was separate from their little thing they have going on.  Sometimes I feel like that child gets way too much extra special attention from his Dad, compared to the other children.  I could go into both sides of why they should or shouldn't have their own little thing, but that's not where I'm going with this.  I just share those feelings because, I'm hoping to validate someone, and help them feel like others know where they are coming from.

This morning I prayed and tuned into my own feelings and asked the spirit and Christ to guide me in replacing my negative beliefs that are affecting this relationship that needs healing.  Among other things, the spirit told me that I need to care more about this child's love tank being filled, than my own.  I need to care more about him receiving enough love and assurance, than I care about me receiving enough.  It occurs to me that I think parents naturally care more about the well being of their children, and their children feeling loved, than they care about themselves.  That is the divine love that Elder Holland spoke of in General Conference today. (link)  For this particular child, maybe like most step-child/parent relationships, I need to make a conscious effort to put his needs before my own.  I need to let him have as much love and attention from his Dad as he needs, even if I'm feeling a little left out or depleted.  I can refill at a different time.


I'm reading a book right now by Nicholeen Peck called, A House United.  The author and her family have helped many, many foster children.  She even seeks out foster children with problems like lying and stealing so that she can help them.  One day she realized why she was having such a hard time with one of these teenagers.  She says, "'I was so worried and frustrated by the inconvenient behaviors, I wasn't allowing myself to love this sweet girl.....I decided to love her more than treat her behaviors."'

She goes onto say that she received some great advice from a woman who had long since raised her children.  One of those children had gone wildly against her parent's teachings and beliefs with her life-style choices and had since returned and become a very spiritual and disciplined person.  Nicholeen says, "I asked this wise woman, 'How did you change your child from a life course heading for disaster to a life course heading for success?'"
    " She said, 'I loved her.  No matter what she did, I loved her.  I didn't agree with her, but I made sure I always felt I loved her.  If I felt it, she would feel it too."' (p104)

These are the things I will be praying for.  The strength to apply all of this God given knowledge and turn it into wisdom.  The love of God in my heart for this child, so that He can feel it, because he knows when I am feeling love for him, and when I'm not, and that effects our relationship.  I will be praying for the ability to care about him and his well-being more than I care about my own.